My baby died yesterday. I'm devastated and feel lonely.

I am in so much pain. My baby died yesterday. She was only about 6 months old. I don't know what happened. She was fine Sunday night but when I woke up Monday morning, she was already on her way out.

I adopted her from a shelter in March of this year. She was so little. She'd hop away, nervous about every sound she heard. I was determined to make her a happy rattie. I played with her in the bathroom, the only enclosed space that was totally rattie safe. I'd let her play while I showered. At first, every little sound scared her and she ran and hid in the corner. But slowly, she became calmer and even brave. She started climbing into the garbage can to nestle in among the empty toilet paper tubes and, of all things, empty tampon boxes. Then she began climbing up on top of the can to climb into the window, and later she even learned to climb to the top of the toilet to reach the towel rack. I was so proud of her. She learned her name and trusted me. She stopped jumping over every little sound. She'd climb up her cage wall to greet me in the morning, silently asking me to take her with me to the bathroom.

Yesterday, she didn't climb up to meet me. I thought she was just sleepy. It wouldn't have been the first time. I finished my shower, came out to turn on the light, and noticed that she wasn't in her hammock. She was sleeping on the first floor but not in her usual spot. Why wasn't she moving yet? She had to have heard me, seen the light... I reached in to pet her and she jumped a few inches away, startled. I thought she had just been asleep, worn out from a night of running in her wheel, but she stopped moving. She just sat there. I reached in to pick her up and her little body was emaciated and cool to the touch. I panicked, called the vet, scheduled an appointment.

She never made it. To be honest with you, as soon as I felt her little body I knew she wouldn't but I knew I had to try. I held her in a warm towel but she began seizing. Her heart slowed and stopped 10 minutes away from the vet. I've been crying since. I'm so depressed. I miss her dearly. I took the loneliest shower of my life this morning. I feel kinda crazy, like I'm not coping without my buddy and only other rat owners will understand. She was so smart and sweet. She had a hole in her ear from an abscess that she'd come to the shelter with but that never stopped her. She was my Tilde, my Tildebeth, my little Betbet. The pain is unreal. I can't walk by her cage without bawling. I bought her hammock online from a fellow rat owner who made it while mourning the loss of her own ratties. I'm mourning by avoiding my entire upstairs and crying silently to myself on my couch in the corner.

I worry about the end of her life. Did I cause it somehow? Was I in any way inattentive? Did I miss any obvious signs? Were the veggies that I fed her unhealthy in any way? Other rat owners have insisted that I did nothing wrong and that she was probably already ill. But then I worry that I could have saved her had I noticed anything sooner. I also worry that I made the end of her life miserable by holding her, too afraid to let go, insistent upon saving her. She seemed to have already come to terms with her death; I wasn't as ready. The thought is kinda crazy. My 6 month old rat was more mature than me; she settled down for the end and I bawled like a baby.

I keep bursting into tears. Sometimes I'm silent enough that my fiance doesn't hear, sometimes he does hear and he immediately comes to hold me. All I can think of is how I'll never see her again and she was so special.